FAQ
- What is addiction?
- What kinds of addictions are there?
- What is addiction like?
- What is recovery?
- What is sex addiction?
- What are the characteristics of a sex addict?
- How do sex addicts feel about themselves?
- What kinds of sexual behaviors do sex addicts do?
- What is Cybersex?
- What is codependency?
- What are the symptoms of codependency?
- Why should a couple be involved in treatment together?
- Can I attend alone?
- What more is there besides healing the brain?
- What does LifeSTAR do for the Spouse?
- Can Partners get help even if the addict does not participate?
1. What is addiction?
Addiction: self-induced changes in neurotransmission that result in behavior problems. Addiction is the use of a substance or activity for the purpose of lessening pain or augmenting pleasure, by a person who has lost control over the rate, frequency, or duration of its use, and whose life has become progressively unmanageable as a result.
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2. What kinds of addictions are there?
There are 4 major categories of addictions based on what happens in the person’s brain.
First, there are the arousal addictions or “uppers”, one’s that are chosen because the person feels more stimulated. These are the stimulant drugs such as cocaine and meth, gambling, sex, spending, computer use, TV, and high-risk activities.
Second, are the satiation addictions or the “downers”, chosen because the person wants to feel calmer or soothed. These are alcohol, depressant drugs, food, sex, hoarding, TV, and computer games.
Third, are the fantasy or the mystical/artistic drugs and activities. These are chosen because the person wants to check out into another world or “space”. Some examples are hallucinogenic drugs, marijuana, religion, sex, TV, computer games and/or relationships.
Last, are the deprivation – the avoidance of chemicals and/or behaviors from fear of use. Such as food anorexic, sexual anorexia, under-earning, spiritual anorexia, and under-spending.
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3. What is addiction like?
The root of addiction is a pervasive, deeply felt sense of detachment and alienation. The core beliefs of the addict are based on an impaired capacity to trust. Addiction is not only a brain disorder, the result of learning and culture, an impaired childhood, but it is primarily an attempt to self-repair. Addiction is an attempt to relieve suffering, an attempt to cope. Addiction is primarily an attempt to self-medicate, not pleasure seeking.
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4. What is recovery?
People in recovery need a safe haven or a secure base where they can learn from others how to stop what ever is destroying their lives and their relationships. They need emotional refueling and support. They all must recognize that their brains must heal for recovery. They need to develop the capacity for honesty and for self-discovery, self-regard, self-re spect, and self-care. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result whereas recovery is learning new healthy practices.
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5. What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is obsessive/ compulsive sexual behavior, with self or other, which if left untreated will cause severe distress and despair for both the addict and his or her family.
The sex addict is unable to control his or her sexual behavior and lives with constant pain, alienation and fear of discovery. The addiction progresses until sexual behavior becomes more important than family, friends or work. The addict is trapped in a bondage of compulsive sexual behavior over which he or she has no power to control, change or stop.
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6. What are the characteristics of a sex addict?
It is a neurochemical problem – addiction takes place in the brain – leading to an out-of-control pattern in their lives, doing the unintended, it is a persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior. Sex addiction is not about sex, but is the use of sex to regulate emotional life and to gain sense of power and self-worth. Addiction becomes the organizing principle of the addict’s life with secrecy, due to shame, it is a Jekyll and Hyde existence. There can be risky exploitive behavior. Addicts are lonely and angry, depressed and can be suicidal. The presence of other addictions, such as alcohol, cocaine and methamphetamine is common. There is an extreme disruption of family and other significant consequences.
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7. How do sex addicts feel about themselves?
Core beliefs of a sex addict are:
Self-image: I am a flawed and unworthy person
Relationships: If people knew me, they wouldn’t love me
Needs: They will never be met if I have to count on others
Sexuality: Sex is my most important need
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8. What kinds of sexual behaviors do sex addicts do?
Fantasy Sex:
Sexually charged fantasies, relationships and situations
Chronic and compulsive masturbation
Seductive Role Sex:
Seduction of partners
Affairs
Voyeuristic Sex:
Visual arousal
Use of videos, photographs, strip/peep shows, watching people through windows
Exhibitionistic Sex:
Attracting attention to body or sexual parts of body
Masturbate in public places hoping to attract attention
Paying for sex:
Prostitutes, massage parlors, escort services, lounges, calling porn lines, personal
ads, spending money to get sexual favors
Trading sex:
Arousal from control by using sex as leverage
Receive money, services, drugs, other goods in exchange for sex
Intrusive Sex:
Boundary violation without discovery
Sexual harassment
Anonymous Sex:
High risk sex with unknown persons
Unsafe or high risk environments: bars, beaches, parks, rest rooms
Pain Exchange Sex:
Arousal from being humiliated or hurt
Arousal from sadistic hurting or degrading another
Exploitive Sex:
Exploitation of the vulnerable
Sex offending
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9. What is Cybersex?
Cybersex is the crack cocaine of the sex addiction. It is without risk of STDs or the distraction of reality. Addicts believe the behavior to be victimless and harmless that it is only safe fantasy. These addicts live inside their heads, in isolation. It is available 24/7/365 with anonymity and very low cost.
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10. What is codependency?
Codependence is a pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth and identity.
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11. What are the symptoms of codependency?
These are some of the possible symptoms: low self-esteem; seek external objects or persons for self-worth and guidance; invest self-esteem in controlling others; difficulty in setting and maintaining boundaries; seek to be involved in every aspect of a person’s life; over-responsible and over-commit themselves or can’t accept individual responsibility and limits; difficulty in living in moderation – seen in how think, feel, behave; appears unable to meet personal needs; complaints; have own addictions; unable to access own feelings.
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12. Why should a couple be involved in treatment together? What can I expect by including my spouse?
Many partners question why they would need to attend if they don’t have an addiction. Research and experience show that when a partner is included in early recovery work, the chance of saving the relationship greatly improves.
As a result of being in a relationship with an individual struggling with an addiction, many partners feel isolated, confused, angry, and betrayed. The LifeSTAR program is designed to address the unique and sensitive needs of partners. Even though they attend the initial “Getting Started Workshop” together, partners do separate work from the individuals struggling with addiction.
Their work focuses on the nature of addiction, understanding their own families or origin, faulty belief systems about relationships, decreasing feelings of low self-worth, and creating healthy boundaries with loved ones.
In Phases 2 and 3, partners work on improving their own awareness of how the addiction has affected their lives and relationships, helps them improve their boundaries and ability to cope with the addiction, increases their self-care and healthy service to others, and helps them learn to express emotions in a healthy way.
Recognize that the first three to six months of couple recovery are usually the most stressful. Both partners will experience a wide range of powerful feelings. There are often difficulties in the areas of communication styles, intimacy levels, sexuality, spirituality, parenting, past trauma, and finances. Identification of the sexual addiction/co-addiction systems is painful at first, but holds hope for eventual relief of the far greater pain of the addiction.
The following is a list of what to expect in the early stages:
- Relief: The addict usually finds a great sense of relief after admitting the secret of the addiction. The end of the double life and shame may bring a premature sense of accomplishment, which needs to be reinforced by attending meetings, going to therapy, and connecting with program friends for support. Partners also feel a sense of relief at the end of secrecy and validation of their experience of pain.
- Anger: Both partners can expect to experience anger. The revelation that their partner is a sex addict may trigger much anger mixed with legitimate hurt and betrayal for the spouse. The addict sometimes feels frustration about the need to make changes as part of recovery. Both partners may be tempted to blame and shame the other.
- Hope: The work being done by both partners can bring new life and hope to the relationship. Both partners are encouraged to work in therapy, attend 12-step meetings, and group meetings.
- Intimacy: Recovering couples begin to communicate at a more intimate level, often on issues they have never discussed before. Communication skills such as empathic listening, being respectful, and expressing vulnerability are essential elements in recovery.
- Grief: The addict experiences pain over the loss of their “best friend,” the addiction. The partner mourns the loss of the relationship as it was imagined to be. Partners often berate themselves for not having been aware sooner of the addiction.
- Sexual issues: Sexuality has a different meaning in recovery. The goal becomes intimacy rather than intensity. Abstinence, and later the frequency, types, and quality of sexual contacts, are issues that the recovering couple must address. Past sexual relationships as well as possible past child sexual abuse of either partner need to be explored. Where other sexual partners were involved, the possibility of HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases must be faced early. Couples who continue to learn about healthy sexuality will do better as they address these sexual issues.
- Spirituality: Couples who grow spiritually together have hope that a power greater than themselves is also involved in the re-creating of their relationship.
13. Can I attend alone?
Yes. If you are single or involved with someone who doesn’t want to attend, we strongly encourage you to attend the program. Since the group is designed to meet the unique needs of partners and addicts, you will receive the help you are looking for.
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14. Other programs suggest you only need to understand brain science to fix the problem of pornography. What more is there besides healing the brain?
Pornography problems certainly have a lot to do with the brain. We know that pornography dramatically changes the way the brain functions. So, understanding the brain and how to repair the brain is an important part of healing from the impact of pornography. LifeSTAR not only addresses this important aspect of recovery, but also expands the recovery experience to include other areas important to long-term change.
These areas include:
- Understanding how to deal with emotions in a healthy way
- Healing the impact of betrayal on relationships
- Reducing self-defeating beliefs and feelings
- Building a strong recovery support system
- Improving all family relationships
While healing the brain certainly reduces the chance that someone will continue to use pornography, lasting change happens when an individual understands and heals the emotions, behaviors, and thoughts that create and maintain the addiction. Techniques to heal the brain are only a small part of the whole treatment system. Since the addiction affects all aspects of an individual’s emotions, thoughts, relationships, and behaviors, effective treatment should do the same. LifeSTAR is designed to thoroughly work through these different areas in an in-depth way, which increases the long-term success for both the addict and his partner.
15. What does LifeSTAR do for the Spouse/Partner?
Women come into LifeSTAR at varied stages in the recovery process with their partner. Some wives have known about their partners’ addiction for a long time and have never talked about it with anyone. Other partners have just discovered the addiction and are in the process of disclosure. In either case, partners are experiencing different levels of trauma and may feel that their life is chaos. LifeSTAR provides a structured environment to slowly sort through what they are feeling and going through. It allows women to collaborate with others that are going through similar experiences. Research shows that women will cope much better if they feel they are not alone with their problems and are able to “talk it out” with other women in a safe, confidential manner. Many women feel cut off from family members and friends that they would normally seek out in times of distress because they don’t want to expose their husband. They may also feel confused about whether they want to stay in the marriage and worry that their family members or friends will shun them because they choose to stay with or leave their husband. LifeSTAR provides a group setting for women to sort through their feelings with this experience and heal.
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16. Can Partners get help even if the addict does not participate?
There are occasions when partners are willing to seek treatment when the addict may not be willing. Many partners may feel that they should wait until both partners are willing to enter treatment. While it is necessary for both to receive treatment, it is important to realize that this doesn’t necessarily happen at the same time. It is strongly recommended that partners get help even if the addict is unwilling. In many cases, this can be the motivation that an addict needs to enter treatment and begin the recovery process.
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